Reason – Do I Matter?
From Meltdown to Meaning: Creating the Conditions for Reflection
Only regulated and connected brains can reason.
Once a child feels safe and connected, their brain is ready to reflect and problem-solve. This is the time for deeper questions like: What happened? What were you feeling? How were others affected? But these questions must come from a place of curiosity and care—not frustration or judgment. Our tone and body language matter. If a child senses rejection, they shut down; if they sense compassion, they open up.
Once safe, a child’s brain can engage in reasoning, activating functions like impulse control, empathy, and problem-solving. Ideally, this is when questions like: What were you thinking and feeling at the time? Who else has been affected? What needs to happen to make things right? can be addressed. But something often happens during the questioning itself: the body communicates more than words. When a child makes a mistake, their nervous system is scanning for your response—reading your tone, body language, and emotional state. Their brain is asking:
What does this mean about me?
Am I still worthy of connection?
Am I safe with this adult?
Do I matter?
If they sense judgment or rejection, their brain stays in a defensive state. But if they feel safety and acceptance, they can move toward growth, problem-solving, and repair. If they sense shame or punishment, reasoning becomes nearly impossible. But responding with curiosity and kindness sends the message: You still matter, even when you mess up. Mary Meredith shares a powerful example of what this sounds like in action:
“When you’re ready, let’s pick up your math book and repair it with some Sellotape. We can then make a small apology card for Sir. Because Sir is trauma-informed, he will accept the apology graciously and ensure the relationship remains intact.”
When children feel they matter—even after mistakes—they become more willing to take responsibility and make things right.
Support reasoning by:
Waiting until the child is calm
Using open, gentle language
Being mindful of how your body and voice affect the child’s nervous system
However, it’s tough when the child’s brain sends signals to your brain like You don’t matter or I don’t care about you. These messages are hard to ignore because they affect us too. If you’ve ever felt drained or hurt after supporting a distressed child, you’re not alone. This work is challenging, and the fact that you keep showing up speaks volumes.
The key is not to suppress your feelings, but to notice what’s happening in your body and mind, acknowledge the impact, and discharge those emotions safely. This might look like:
Taking deep breaths before moving on;
Shaking out tension—stretching or moving your body;
Talking it through with a colleague;
Stepping outside for fresh air;
Reminding yourself: I did my best. I showed up with care. That’s enough. I matter too.
Taking care of yourself enables you to continue this work with compassion and clarity. Only by tending to ourselves can we help children regulate, reconnect, and reason.
Recommended Resources
Restorative Question Cards - Visual and verbal prompts designed for children and teens, with guided questions like What happened? What were you thinking and feeling? Who else has been hurt by this? Who needs what? What needs to happen now?
Beacon House Trauma Informed Multi-Agency Working Resource Pack. - This pack has section on ‘Projective Identification’ that could help staff understand how and why they disconnect from some young people.
As we continue to support children in their emotional and cognitive growth, the next crucial step will be to explore how we can guide them through Repair—restoring relationships and healing after moments of disruption. Stay tuned for the next blog, where we’ll dive into this powerful process.