Repair – How Can We Make Things Right?
Repairing, Not Reprimanding: The Final (and often forgotten) R
True repair takes time, trust, and creativity.
Louise Bomber (2020) adds a vital fourth step to the neurodevelopmental sequence: Repair. After regulation, connection, and reflection comes the most relationally complex—but ultimately transformative—stage. When emotions run high and harm is caused, repair is how we rebuild trust, restore dignity, and reconnect. It's not about forced apologies or punishment. It’s about relational healing.
Why Repair? Children don’t always know how to make amends. Some are ready to repair quickly. Others need space, time, and a variety of entry points to engage meaningfully. Repair is not linear. And it’s not just about saying “sorry.” It’s about helping children:
Understand their impact
Reconnect with those affected
Restore a sense of belonging and safety
Many educators share that they get stuck at the “What happened?” stage of restorative conversations. Children might be willing to recount events, but resist moving into the deeper work—feelings, needs, and impact. This is where intentional scaffolding becomes critical.
Moving Beyond “What Happened?”
If you sense that a child is circling in the story and not moving forward, shift the focus by broadening the lens with gentle, layered questioning.
Start with internal awareness:
“How were you feeling before that happened?”
“What did you hope would happen?”
“When that happened, what feelings came up for you?”
If they struggle to name emotions, offer options:
“Were you feeling frustrated? Embarrassed? Disappointed?”
“Was your body feeling tight, hot, or shaky?”
Then invite them into the other person’s perspective:
“What do you think was going on for them?
“How do you think they felt when that happened?”
“What do you notice about their reaction?”
Or try role-reversal:
“If that happened to you, how might you have felt?”
“If this was your friend, what would you want them to do next?”
Now look ahead:
“What would help you feel safe again?”
“How can we fix this together?”
“What needs to happen to make things right?”
A Toolkit for Repair
Not every child can process their emotions verbally. That’s why multiple modes of repair are essential. Writing, drawing, movement, or gestures of kindness can speak louder than words.
A Repair Toolkit could include:
- Emotion word charts and feelings visuals to support emotional literacy
- Prompts and sentence starters for guiding restorative conversations
- Templates for writing reflection or apology letters.
- Ideas for creative repair: drawings, kindness notes, or helpful actions
- Strategies for educator self-regulation and support after tough interactions.
Repair is the heart of restorative practice. When done well, it teaches children that relationships can withstand challenge—that harm doesn’t mean disconnection, but rather an invitation to reconnect with care.
True repair isn’t about compliance—it’s about building the capacity for lifelong relational resilience.